H has her 4 month well doctor's appointment tomorrow.  I am dreading it because of the insane amount of shots she has to get at this visit - the same as her 2 month.  Oh it just breaks my heart!  Fortunately, T will be coming with me.  I don't want her to always see my face during that time of torture.

I am interested to see how much she weighs and how long she is...her four month birthday brought with it a new look for her.  We thought she looked a little different and felt a bit heavier. 

I have been having a great time buying her things that I think are things that she would enjoy, that I would enjoy or just what would make her part of the "cool kids."  I read about this teething toy called "Sophie" and decided that I...I mean we...must have it!!  She loved it RIGHT away.  Just like the reviews said.  Some criticized the toy saying it was more like a dog toy (it is rubber'ish and makes a squeak when you squeeze it) but H LOVES it!  I had her belly laughing tonight and Sophie was part of it.

I just LOVE her belly laughs!!  And she laughs a lot!!  We have found that she is ultra ticklish under her arms and around her neck.  She just gets so tickled and laughs so sweet!

H with her Sophie giraffe

Happy 4 months!!

To my beautiful little girl...you are so incredible!  You felt heavier today and you looked different.  Just more grown up!  We had such a great day!  We played the "feet" game at Walmart (you LOVE that game).  You had some great naps and you had patience with us while we watched Avatar (thank you).  I wish I could have made you something special to eat  but you had to stick with the soy.  But you didn't mind.  Your smiles were just as bright.  You were just as awesome.  Daddy is so right...you are more beautiful today than you were yesterday!

We are so happy that we can share our lives together!  You have made my life complete...

Comin' to get you!









HAPPY 4 MONTH BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL HAYDEN!

You are amazing!

Dear H,

Today I realized even more than usual how much I adore you being in my life.  You are the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me.  It took 37 years of my life to get to experience something that has moved me more than anything ever could.  You are amazing.

I hear stories about women who don't have it as lucky as I do and it makes my heart ache.  Everyone should experience the true joy that I have been feeling ever since you first settled in my belly for the long nine months.  I was in love with you then and I am even more in love with you now.  You are amazing.

I want to stop my crazy obsession over a clean house, dinner on the table at a certain time, laundry being completely done and my stomach being completely flat.  I want to sit and obsess over you...even more than I already do!  Your adorable chubby cheeks, you smile that lights up the entire planet, you beautiful blue eyes that express love more than words, your little hands that reach out to touch my face when you eat, your adorable feet that you stick out whenever we are in the grocery for me to kiss, your cute little belly that tickles and causes giggles...you are amazing.

There will probably be a time when you will feel like you want more independence or when you just want your Mom to go away.  But I want you to know that I fell in love with you long before we met in person.  You know me because you heard my heart from the inside.  You heard my secret messages in the dark when I was just talking to you.  I will always be there for you and will always love you...no matter what...you are amazing!

My sweet nugget, you light up our lives every day and we love you so much.  You have such a fantastic life ahead of you and we can't wait to experience it with you!  I look forward to the beautiful smiles each day, I look forward to the giggles, to the milestones, to the hugs and to the love that you give off...YOU ARE AMAZING!

Reflecting...

Before we celebrate H's four month birthday and before we leave the month of April, what a time to reflect.  It was a year ago this month that I found out that I was pregnant with our little nugget (known as cashew during my pregnancy).  I was scared at the news because of my miscarriage the December before but I was so excited at the thought of being pregnant.  Another chance.  And look at us now.

Here is my first post of my pregnancy blog.  I didn't post right away but did keep a journal.  I wanted to give the pregnancy a little more time to establish before I posted anything publicly.  Plus we hadn't told anyone yet.

Flashback
After my miscarriage, I had very emotional months wondering if THIS month would be my time to get pregnant. I was hesitant of the thought, to be honest. I wanted so bad to be pregnant but wanted so bad not to be terrified of being pregnant. What if I miscarry again. Especially now that I know that THIS is what I really want?
About a week ago, April 6, T and I went shopping for a new couch. I noticed on the drive that my stomach felt…tickly. Almost as if we were cruising among hills which, when I was a kid, I would call a wee road. When we arrived at the furniture store, I felt a strong tickling feeling – like butterflies – in my stomach. I kinda knew then but definitely wasn’t for sure and kept my head in projects so as to keep my mind off of it. Throughout the week I noticed moments of light headedness, weird cramping in my stomach (lighter than AF cramps). I wasn’t for sure and still didn’t want to think about the possibility. I didn’t want to be disappointed. I kept telling myself that, if this wasn’t my month, that would be ok. I have plenty of projects to keep me busy.
This past Monday, I had severe mood swings and emotional breakdowns. Now, as a female, I do have the tendency of having mood swings during PMS. I won’t lie. But these were off the charts. And they were followed by crying. And still cramping.
Yesterday, Tuesday, was the D-Day for AF. Since getting off the pill, I have been very regular with a true 28 day cycle. No AF. Not even a sign of her. Not even a phone call. Interesting, I thought, but no hopes up.


After talking to Lauren, I decided that it may be ok to test on Wednesday even though my nerves were pushing me to wait until Friday. At 4 AM, I woke up needing to pee so bad I thought my bladder would explode all over the bed. I decided, what the heck. I don’t have my hopes up and I am fine if it is negative so I should go ahead and check it out.


I pulled out the ClearBlue digital and did the best I could, at 4 AM, to coordinate a stick below me to catch the flow. This is not easy – especially as blurry eyed as I was at the time. I sleepily counted to 5, put the lid back on, wiped off…well, you get the idea, and sat it on the small table next to the toilet. I went back to finishing what I started – gratefully so – and closed my eyes. When I opened them, I slowly turned to the small table and the wand sitting so mysteriously on top. The angle of the ceiling light to the test made it a little hard to read but I could tell there was only one word…not two.


I started crying - part from excitement and part from fear. Unfortunately, the first thing that I thought was that I was going to have to go through another miscarriage. How could this be? But then I would start to get excited, maybe I won’t have a miscarriage again! This could be it! Then the fear, then the excitement. This continued as I turned off the light, opened the door and started to make my way back to bed. Just then I heard a voice in the dark – “are you ok?” Yes, I’m pregnant. And here come the tears again. I told him I was scared and then the crying really started. He invited me to lay next to him and gave me a secure hug. He proceeded to tell me that he has a very good feeling about this and that this time is going to be it. I want to believe him so bad.


All day was a bag of mixed emotions. I continued to try my strategy I adopted before getting pregnant – keep my mind involved in tasks and projects. I worked hard today on chores and grocery and tried to keep my fears to a minimum. As a matter of fact, I have tried to keep all thoughts of being pregnant to a minimum only thinking of them when I am about to have something to eat or drink.


The doctor estimates I am 4 weeks pregnant. My estimated due date is December 21, 2009. A Christmas baby. OMG I just said baby. I cannot even imagine ME with a baby! That blows my mind. At least I have some time – I hope – to get my head around it!


My first appointment will be at the 6 week mark which I am so thankful for. Most women don’t get an appointment until 8 or 9 weeks but Dr H knows how scared I am of miscarrying so she is going to get me in earlier. I guess a heartbeat can be detected that early. Amazing.


The 6 week mark is my first hurdle to overcome – this is when I had my miscarriage. The next hurdle will be the 12 week mark (the end of the first trimester which holds most of the challenges). I am only telling parents and a few very close friends. Otherwise, the news is off limits until I am out of the first tri. I can’t go through facing family and friends again if another miscarriage happens. So this is why the blog away from the blog. I am going to keep a daily diary of the progression (I hope) of my pregnancy and will post it on my blog week 13.


Dear Baby,
This is your first order from your mother! Stick in there! Be healthy! Grow strong! Come out happy and healthy! This is an order! Or you are grounded for life!


I am so happy to have you inside of me. It is very surreal right now since I just found out and my belly still looks the same. But I hope it is nice and cozy in there and that you have found the perfect spot to call home for the next 9 months. We both want you badly and are looking forward to experiencing you as you experience us.


Hang in there poppyseed!


Love,
Mom


Wow.  And look at us now!  We have a beautiful little girl who is growing so fast!  She is doing raspberries with her drool and talking up a storm!  She holds her head great and is sitting up AND standing up with assistance.  She laughs, coos, makes noises like a tasmanian devil and is starting to reach/lean towards you to pick her up.  Isn't it amazing? 
 
We've come a long way baby!!
 
My first belly pic

 
Our first ultrasound

 
Our baby now

Hayden's beautiful laugh that is becoming more of a daily occurrence!

Our Family Fun Day!

So I was driving down the road the other day and found a sign sitting outside of a park we don't frequent very often.  It was announcing "family fun day" that was scheduled for today.  I saw something about a splash pad and was wondering if that part was only temporary for this event or if it was a permanent function.

It took a while to rouse the troops and get everyone out the door this morning.  According to the sign, the event was from 10 AM - 2 PM and we were already leaving the house as late as 1 PM.  Oh no.  But I figured that it was still a park and someplace that Tay could run herself ragged instead of being bored to tears in the house.

When we got there...well, first I looked over and saw my old boss and his partner.  Good times.  And enough said.  But we headed back into the park more and saw the splash pad!  It is a pretty good size AND it is permanent!  There ALL the time!  Tay loves that kind of stuff so I see many weekends there.  There are also swing sets and activity play areas behind the splash pad.  It is set up so nice!  I/we loved it!! 

After our fun there, we headed to Oreganos, one of our new fave restaurants and had a late lunch/early dinner.  It was such a nice, low key, enjoying the outdoors day!  It helped to keep my mind off of the fact that I was really missing Louisville BIG time because of Thunder.

Here are some pics!

In the kitchen before we left...my Dad has a pic of he and I in this position and I just couldn't pass it up!


Such a big girl!


Tay in her cutie patootie bathing suit!


The splash pad!




Lovin me some H!


Who you lookin at??


Eh...ok!


Daddy is  making me happy!




At Oregano's


Nugget and Daddy Nugget!


Our girls are DOWN!  Take a close look in the mirror!!

It could have been a random fluke but little Ms H slept through the entire night last night!  I put her down in her crib at 8 PM and she didn't wake up until 5:30 AM.  WOW!  This isn't the first time but it hasn't happened consistently so I get excited every time!  And, just like the other times, I wake up wondering if I just didn't hear her wake up and scream or something...but that's impossible.  The monitor is permanently attached to my ear lobe and the volume always seems to be at max (especially in the middle of the quiet night!).  Keep up the good work H!!

Last night, Nona (Steph) brought H a new toy.  It is one of those bouncy thingies.  H loves standing up soooo much - makes her feel like such a big girl - that this is a perfect toy for her!  I had to put it together immediately (which I usually save for T but he was out running errands at the time) so that H could get in it right away!  She LOVES it!  The seat is adjustable so that she can play in it as she grows.  Right now it is on the lowest setting and it puts her on her tippiest of toes.  So cute! 

A letter to my baby!

My dearest Hayden...what happened to the docile baby girl that would coo and giggle?  You have replaced her with a Tasmanian Devil...a baby that could play the lead role in the Exorcist!  Your beautiful coos and heart warming giggles are still there...but they are mixed in with random shouts and wicked growls that would make the local coyotes run in fear!

I believe it is merely frustration.  You are so smart and have so much in your mind that you want to do but have extremeties that are still working through their coordination.  In a way, these new noises are funny...even a bit endearing.  Other times, they are a bit loud and obnoxious.  But your big blue eyes and gummy smile make it all worth while!! 

You are really doing great with tummy time and don't seem to be as upset when we practice!  You have rolled over a couple of times but they were random and spaced out.  Nothing consistent yet.  And you sometimes decide not to practice so it is still not a perfected skill.  We keep rooting for you!!

Of course, you are so beautiful.  Every day Daddy tells you "you are more beautiful today than you were yesterday."  You just smile so big when he tells you this - and really anytime either of us talk to you.  You are such a happy baby!  Daddy and I feel SOOOO lucky to have such a great baby!!

Tomorrow we will be having lunch with Uncle Jason and, if you can stomach it, maybe a quick shopping trip to find me some clothes to wear to meetings that fit...maybe I should say if I can stomach it!

We love you always, our little nugget.  You absolutely ROCK and I am so super proud of you!!

Mommy

Sing it cowboy!

Now, I am no country music fan but I heard a song on T's iTunes yesterday while it randomly shuffled that touched my heart.  It may have been written for a lover but it made me think of H (hope that isn't creepy).  The words are so true and describes how much I love my little girl!



Wrapped Up In You
Garth Brooks

How do I love you
Well let me see
I love you like a lyric loves a melody
Baby, completely
Wrapped up in you

How do I need you
Can't you tell
I need you like a penny
Needs a wishing well
Baby, completely
Wrapped up in you

Every now and then
When the world
That were living in is crazy
You gladly hold me and carry me through

No one in the world has ever done
What you did for me
And I'd be sad and lonely
If there were no you

Well how do I love you
Let me count the ways
There ain't no number high enough
To end this phrase
Baby, completely
Wrapped up in you

Every now and then
When the world
That were living in is crazy
You gladly hold me and carry me through

No one in the world has ever done
What you did for me
And I'd be sad and lonely
If there were no you

How do I love you
Well don't you know
I love you bout as deep
As any love can grow

Baby, completely
Wrapped up in you
Baby, completely
Wrapped up in you

What A Trip!!

The recap...finally.  I just knew it would take a bit to type all this out so I wanted to be sure I had enough uninterrupted time.  I'm not sure that I will but this is a better time than any...and I just wasted 1 minute typing all that out!

Taking a three month old on their first trip across the country might make a lot of people reach for the bourbon - both for themselves and for the paci!  I won't lie.  I was a little nervous.  Now that I know H as well as I do (and now that we have her feeling great), I am pretty confident in my abilities to read her and know what each and every cry is...and they are pretty predictable and often occur when she is tired (whiny and huffy), when she has a wet or dirty diaper (a constant "ehhhh" sound) and when she is hungry (she goes German on us and repeats "nein" over and over in the midst of crocodile tears).  So I figured I would be ok.  I was just worried that there would be a new cry - ears popping, new place, etc. - that I would be unfamiliar with.  But there isn't much to do.  My entire family lives across the country from me and I really wanted everyone to meet my awesome little girl!

I am going to try and just brush on the highlights here so that I don't take all night and an entire server telling the story.  When we arrived at the PHX airport (so there was an hour and a half drive right there), we were directed into the smallest line at the ticket counter.  All because of H.  Yay H!  But, when we got up to the counter, the lady asked me for my ID and her proof of birth.  Ummm, here is my ID and, proof of birth?  She's right here!  Voila!  Proof!  But she needed proof of age...which I thought they only needed if there was a question that the kid could be 2 years old.  She is OBVIOUSLY not 2 years old...or even close...but they needed this proof nonetheless.  She asked if I had a birth certificate.  That question reminded me that I actually haven't received a birth certificate...when do we get that??  Anyway, my answer was no and her response was...well, we need something to prove her age.  She suggested that I ask my pedi for immunization records - that would have her age.  So that was the step we took.

I called the pedi office and the amazing staff faxed the records immediately.  Thank goodness they are so awesome!  We went back to the ticket counter and a new lady helped us out.  She was great!  She even offered to give T a pass to walk me to the gate!  That lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders.  Especially since security was my next hurdle.

T and I made it to security and, again, we had a separate line to enter.  When we got up to the machine, we started taking the travel system apart and collapsing the stroller - I held H.  H and I got through no problem but I left T behind with the stroller and car seat.  The car seat went through with no issue but the stroller was a different story.  Even collapsed, it wouldn't fit through the conveyor opening.  The security lady told T to push it real hard.  T tried to explain that the wheels were over the opening - it wasn't going through.  But the lady persisted and then told him to leave it.  She was going to have another TSA guy take care of it.  I guess she really felt like T couldn't possibly be smart enough to be telling her the truth...the wheels were ABOVE the opening.  No amount of pushing is going to help that challenge.  And, if they did anything to bend or break my stroller, someone was going to pay with all that loose change they collect!  Needless to say, the guy she sent over couldn't resolve the challenge of physics and decided that they would have to roll it through and wand it.  Watching him try to open the stroller back up was almost enough to make up for the irritation of the TSA lady!

Once through we headed to my gate.  We flew Southwest.  The way they do it is...they take A's first, then family, then B - C.  The challenge is that they take B's almost immediately after calling family!  So I am trying to juggle baby, car seat and stroller collapse with people on my ass trying to get on the plane.  Maybe not the best strategy.  Couldn't the gate agent just look down the jetway and see when the coast is clear?  I mean, what's the point of going on early (other than getting a seat) if you don't have the time to sufficiently (and safely) take care of all the baby equipment?

I sat at an aisle seat close to the center of the plane.  A lady sat next to me in the window seat and sat her stuff in the center seat.  Her brilliance paid off and we ended up not having anyone sit between us.  This really helped when H was tired of being held.  I was able to lay her down between us and let her stretch out. 

The plane ride went fantastic.  She ate, she slept, she smiled and played.  She was absolutely perfect!  Everyone around me complimented her and talked about how well behaved and sweet she was (I don't think it is necessarily good "behavior" - she is only 3 months - but I will admit she was awesome!).

The visit with the family was great!  She pretty much met everyone other than a few people who couldn't come in from surrounding cities.  She stayed on schedule perfectly - I knew that I was going to make every effort to make this happen but she did it on her own.  Her body's clock is just ON IT!  Her naps, when she was hungry, when she started her night time routine, when she fell asleep for the night and when she woke up...it was all RIGHT on schedule!!  I was so proud (and happy that she slept through the night in a new place)!!

She was passed around  like a basketball!  But she handled it just like her middle name implies - with grace!  She smiled, coo'd, played and acted like a real social butterfly.  She would eat and then nap and do it all over again.  Poor thing.  Every time she fell asleep in her car seat, she would wake up with another house full of people making goo goo sounds at her and trying to pick her up!  Let's just say, she is WELL loved!!

Highlights of the trip:
Her touching my Dad's beard and face lightly with her hand while she studied him.  She was, what I call, "in the zone" for bedtime and was so peaceful in his arms.  She just looked at him and lightly brushed his beard with her hand.  My heart melted and my eyes filled with tears.

I took a quick trip out to get more formula and liners and left H with my Dad.  She ended up having a tough time with my departure and started getting really upset.  Dad tried everything but ended up getting the guitar and playing for her.  It calmed her.  So much so, she fell asleep!

Watching my Mom walk her around the backyard of their house.  Some quality one on one time and great outdoor time!  Louisville was looking, smelling and feeling so awesome during our visit!

Sharing a room with H - our girl slumber party!  I loved waking up and hearing her "talk" to the little stuffed animals in her crib (don't flame me, they weren't large enough to suffocate her!).

Figuring out that H may not have my looks (this is a good thing) but she does have my personality!  She can work a room!

Having some real bonding time...we are together everyday at home but this bonded us even more!  We were both exhausted but we were both having fun so we kept up the pace.  I really felt like she was my girl after this trip!

After our visits, it was time to leave.  This is always a hard time for me and always results in tears.  My Mom was saying goodbye to H and I and looked pretty sad.  H looked at my Mom with the most concerned look I have ever seen on a baby so young.  She could tell that Grandma was sad and didn't understand why.  She will someday.  It is the worst part of visiting - leaving.

Dad was able to escort me to the gate.  The TSA staff in Louisville was much more experienced...or smarter...than those in PHX.  They scanned the stroller and we got through with no issues at all!  After gathering up our stuff and getting H back in her stroller, we headed to the gate.  Another sad moment watching H cry while with my Dad.  I felt the same way.  I hate leaving.  But she was really crying because she was hungry.  Obviously VERY hungry (she is starting to eat a lot more!) so she was screaming loudly!!  I was horrified and could feel my skin burning from all the looks I must have been getting.  But, once her bottle was in the right place, she was in good shape.  Great shape, actually!  She slept for the first two and a half hours and then was just a fun little joy for the remain hour and a half.  No drama!  Again the people around us complimented her and told me what a great baby I had - uhhh, DUH!!!  Of course I know this!!

So that was H's first trip in a nutshell.  I am so thrilled I was able to get home and enjoy watching my family with her - especially my grandparents (her great grandparents).  It was such a wonderful, yet exhausting, trip.  And one we will do many more times in the future!  At least I now know how she will do - she will be an experienced traveler by the time she is Tay's age!  She is one lucky little girl!  I bet she will be in first class by then...if her Daddy has anything to do with it!

If you want to see pics, I posted some on my Facebook page.
http://www.facebook.com/?ref=home#!/profile.php?ref=profile&id=1175577901

You will have to sign up if you don't have an account but it is free!  I'm just too tired (and operating on borrowed time) to post pics right now.

Thanks to my entire family for making our first visit the most awesome visit!!  We will be back the first week of July!  We can't wait!!

Bad, bad Mommy

Oh i feel so horrible right now.  H ate at 9:30 so i thought i had time to shower and get ready before she ate again.  I actually thought she was whining because she was tired.  And usually i am so awesome at reading her. 

While i was in the shower, i was trying so hard to get washed up quick but i also needed to shave my legs.  i jumped out several times to reposition froggy (her paci).  She kept fussing which turned into big boohoos.  i was frustrated because i never feel like i can take good showers anymore - it is always a rush job.  i became so frustrated, i let out a scream.  Not horror film scream.  Just frustrated scream...it made her cry so hard.  i think i scared her.  i suck!

Turns out, she was hungry.  My growing girl needed another dose of food within a 2 hour timeframe.  She sucked down 4 oz and then another 2 I made after that.  What a bad mommy.  Sorry Ms H.  My showers will continue to take second place (or fifth) to your needs.  And i promise not to complain.  You are worth every missed patch of hair on my legs and every knick under my arms!! 

Recap...on the way

I have so much to share regarding H's first trip to Louisville but I am always left so tired at the end of the day.  I am definitely going to do a recap tomorrow.

In the meantime, H is getting very close to rolling over!  She is already sleeping on her side and she has been having fun during tummy time trying to roll over to her back.  She is so close!!  And she absolutely loves to stand and will usually straighten her legs when being held to indicate she wants to stand.

She is noticing food and makes a chewing gesture when she watches us eat.  I just can't believe how much she is growing and noticing things!  Amazing!

I am planning on signing us up for swimming lessons at the pool at our local park.  She received her first bathing suit from Grandma while we were in Louisville.  So exciting!

More to come tomorrow - a complete recap of our exciting girls trip!