BY THE WAY...

try commenting on my blog now...I changed the settings and want to see if you can post comments now...

Happy St Paddy's Day late and welcome to spring!  I mean, I know the official start of spring isn't until tomorrow but I have always felt like St. Paddy's Day marked the beginning of spring and all the fun spring brings with it!  Especially in Louisville with Derby Festival, Derby, etc.  Here in Tucson?  Eh, everything is pretty much the same.  We have gone from 50 degree temps to 80 degree temps overnight.  "Seasons" don't exist in the desert.  It goes from winter to summer to hell then back to summer and then winter. 

But, with everything in bloom and the temps warming up, we have been taking frequent walks to the different parks around our neighborhood.  Here's H and I geared up and ready for our walk...



Wow!  You can tell I need to get my hair done soon!  Yikes!  Speaking of hair...I am trying to decide if I am going to grow my hair longer or if I want to do the stereotypical MOM cut.  You know, it always seems that, when women have babies, they instantly cut their hair.  I honestly can see why!  I barely have time to pee - there's no time to fix hair!!  Of course, with short hair (at least on me), if I don't fix it, it won't look right.  And, with short hair, there isn't the easy option of the headband/ponytail combo that is so popular with me!  So I am still trying to decide.  Any suggestions?

Hayden is growing like a weed and is becoming such a little person!  She has always had her own distinct personality but it is just evolving everyday.  The wheels in her brain are spinning and you can see her observing more, learning more and discovering more.  Her neck is getting stronger - she can hold her head up by herself pretty well!  She LOVES sitting up (with our support, of course) and she also loves standing up (with our help).  Her little legs are very strong!

The other new development is that she is starting to grab at things.  It started with the boppy pillow.  I use it to feed her because a) I feel it is more comfortable for her and b) it frees up a hand for me to work on the computer!  The cover of my boppy has a print that has dragonflies.  She tried to grab the dragonflies.  Since then, she grabbed the nipple of her bottle that was sitting on the computer.  I wondered if that was a sign that she wanted more to eat...and it did!!  I fixed her another 2 oz and she drank it.  She is so smart!!

Since then she has been grabbing at more things.  She is still trying so hard to get her feet.  She gets so frustrated when she can't get to them.  I will be excited when she finally gets a handle on them and gets them to her mouth - which I believe is the ultimate goal.

The most exciting development is her laugh!!  She was in her swing in the kitchen one night last week.  I sat on the floor in front of the swing and "got" her feet with kisses when she would swing my way.  Then, out of nowhere, a laugh.  A REAL laugh!  T and I instantly looked at each other with amazement!  We couldn't believe she laughed for the first time...and we were both their to experience it together.  It was a wonderful moment.

I was wondering if we would hear her laugh again or if it was a one time deal that may not happen again for a few more months.  Not the case!  She has laughed several times since including last night.  It is such an amazing sound. 

So a lot of new developments in a very little bit of time.  I can't believe how things change so quickly - that's why I am enjoying every minute of it!  We are excited about our trip to Louisville in a couple of weeks!  Amazingly, I am not too worried about flying solo with her in tow.  I feel like she and I know each other pretty well now.  I am no longer worried about not knowing what she wants or needs.  I can read her very well now.  The only thing I am a little worried (that's not really the right word for it) about is the time difference and our schedules.  But, we can only do what we can do.  As usual, I will take her lead on everything.

That's all for now.  I leave you with some pics...

H in her woombie


Napping in her denim mini (that made it's way up her belly during her nap)


Sham-rocker with monkey moo


Showing belly


Being her adorable self!  =P


Showing belly...

As you all know, Hayden has had a time with gas and reflux (I am sure she will love that I posted this in my blog when she is 16!).  I have made it a MISSION to find a way to make her more comfortable so that she doesn't have to deal with the pain anymore.  There has to be a way.  Dr E (her pediatrician) kept saying that, if nothing else works, it will just pass.  But I couldn't just wait around and let her suffer if there were other things that could help.  So I took it upon my google-self to look for possible solutions.  While I was at it, I looked for something that might help her sleep more comfortably through the night.  The following talks about products we have tried, products I have ordered and products I feel have worked...

For her pain (reflux and gas), we have tried Zantac (a generic version) that she took twice a day but that didn't seem to do much and she certainly didn't like the taste.  But, since it wasn't doing much to control her reflux, Dr E switched her to Prevacid Solutabs.  These are a little harder to administer but we have really gotten the hang of it.  AND not only does it work, she really likes the taste of it.  She laps it up when we put the syringe in her mouth.  She gets a half a tab twice a day.

For the gas, we have tried (and are still occasionally using) Mylicon drops.  I have started putting it in her formula for most feedings to help before it hurts.  And it seems to be working.  But T has a good point, how do I know what's working?  The reason he says that is because I have changed other things as well.  We have gone from Infamil Sobee (Soy formula) to Similac Infomil (Soy formula) to see if the change in brand would make a difference.  I do like the texture of the Similac better and it seems to mix better than Infamil. 

Along the same lines, I have started to premix the formula with water in a pitcher with a whisk versus shaking the bottles at the time of feedings.  I put the premixed versions in the fridge.  This is certainly a bigger pain in the butt but it definitely does eliminate the "bubble" factor which probably does contribute to her gas issues.

Further, I have added a bottle warmer to the mix.  I had been giving her room temperature bottles but, with the bottle warmer, she has the whole "warm milk" effect.  I have noticed that she drinks more and she drinks it more comfortably.  The only thing challenging about this new product is "getting to know it."  Even the directions tell you to play with the amount of water you put on the heating element until you find the right temperature for the amount in the bottle.  I am slowly figuring out what works for the amounts we typically use - although H seems to be eating more lately (maybe because she is less full of gas??). 

Today I received Colic Calm after ordering it online the other day.  I have heard REALLY great things about it - the weird thing is that it is BLACK in color and can stain!!  That's a real bummer.  But it is all natural and can't hurt (only help or do nothing at all).  The color kinda freaked me out when I dispensed it into the syringe.  But I added it to her formula tonight so we will see what happens.  It is supposed to really help with the gas, colic and reflux.  I don't know...only what I read.  So we will see.

Sleeping through the night??  Well, not yet.  She still wakes up through the night to eat.  But it was getting even worse where she was waking up because either she was having gas pains or she broke out of her swaddle.  We have a few kiddopotamus swaddles...the only one that half way works is the one I received at a shower or bought - can't remember which one.  Anyway, she is a little Houdini...she can get an arm or her legs out, which I'm sure feels cold PLUS makes her have the falling reflex that all babies have which then wakes her up. 

So, yep, google search D takes it upon myself to look for something better.  I ordered a Woombie.  It gives her the flexibility to move her arms a bit without escaping or having the startling "falling" reflex that wakes her up.  Product freak?  Maybe!  Determined Mom who needs a night of sleep - YES!!

Kiddopotamus:


Woombie


Look clausterphobic??  To me too!  But this is supposed to be heaven for babies...we shall see...

So we shall see how this all plays out.  It may be that her digestive system just matures and she just decides to sleep through the night and that none of the products contributed.  But I will tell myself that the products I ordered made the difference.  How else would I justify the money I have spent (out of my own "allowance")??  But she is totally worth it. 

I always heard that having a child is a love that you can't even explain.  A bigger love than you have ever known.  This is more true than I can describe.  I never thought I would be one who would have a baby and feel that way...but I do...beyond words.  And I couldn't be happier or more in love...

Pics for the close:
What?  You want to see my belly?


Ok!


Tummy time!  The TV holds her interest and makes her WANT to hold up her head.  She has really gotten great at holding her head up...all the time!  And she loves "standing" on my legs while I hold her under her arms.  She even grumps a little when I try to sit her down.  She wants to stand and hold up her own head.  I am so proud of what a big girl she is!


Ready for our walk this evening - went to the park with T and Tay


I'm ready Daddy!


Beautiful big sis!!

A Matter Of Life and Death

Sad news today.  I found out a colleague of mine in the industry that I have worked with many times since moving to Tucson committed suicide late January.  I was shocked beyond shock to hear this news.  I instantly teared up and had so many questions.  I was told he closed his business (his company did scenic work and staging for corporate events) in December.  Was that why he did this?  What happened??

I haven't been able to shake the news all day.  I have never known anyone who committed suicide.  This was all new to me.  Backing up a bit, ever since having Ms. Hayden on December 26, I have been a lot more emotional when it comes to mortality.  Just seeing someone "die" on a fictional TV show will make my heart ache.  I don't know if it is left over hormones or the fact that Hayden has literally brought LIFE to me.

When you are young, you don't think about death - you laugh at death...you are immortal.  Then, as you get older and start having little aches and pains or the weight doesn't shed off of you as easily as it used to...or you just feel...old, you start lightly thinking about the far future.  You still feel like you have a long way to go and there is always someone "older" than you.  But then...at least for me...you have a baby.  A beautiful baby.  A new life.  And all of a sudden mortality becomes forefront in your mind.  I WANT to live a long time to watch her grow up.  I don't EVER want to die (although I know it is inevitable).  I want to cherish each day with her, watch her walk for the first time, cheer her on when we take the training wheels off, shed a tear and lose sleep when she drives for the first time, side eye her first boyfriend, help her pimp out her dorm room, take her out celebrating when she hits 21, cry and laugh out loud when she tells me she is marrying that awesome, handsome doctor, be there in the hospital as my Mom was to hold her baby...I want all of those things.  But no one knows what tomorrow brings so you have to live for today...and hope for tomorrow.

With the news of Don (the man I knew who just committed suicide), I have really tried to wrap my head around suicide.  Everyone says it is a selfish way to go.  And it does seem that way, right?  His daughter found him (the source I heard it from wasn't sure if he hung himself or shot himself).  She is an adult and married but, at that moment, did she feel like his five year old baby girl?  Why Daddy?  Why?  Is this how she felt?  I am sure she, as well as the rest of his family, must have questions...questions, guilt, excruciating pain, anger, more pain, more questions...what could we have done?  Maybe if I would have called him at such-and-such a time, maybe if I would have gone there, if only I knew he was so upset, so low.  What could I have done?  How could I have saved him?  And they will be asking these questions for the rest of their lives.  His daughter will relive that moment...for the rest of her life.

Although many say it is a selfish act (and I do agree), I don't think the one doing it looks at it that way.  I have never been inside someone's head who felt that was the only avenue to take.  However, I can only imagine that they aren't thinking about the hurt they will cause their family.  They may be thinking that they are hurting their family more by being around (so far from the truth, I'm sure).  They may be thinking that this is the only way to find peace...maybe in their own intensely "loud" minds. 

I hadn't talked to Don since probably 2008 when I left my last place of employment.  I remember my last conversation with him was about me leaving that place, how crappy they were to me and his response that I was really good at what I did and that we WILL work together again.  And here we are, a year and a half later, I have the same event we last worked on together.  I was going to email him in the next week to talk with him about a design for the staging.  I wanted to work with him again.  He didn't get the business last year.  I was ready to award it to him without a bid.  But now he is gone.  It is so hard for me to comprehend...or understand.

I have experienced depression in my life.  Many times.  I have been treated for depression - both through counseling and through medication.  I always called it my black hole.  At those times, I felt like I had fallen into a muddy, dark, cold hole and couldn't get back out.  And, my friends, there were times that that hole was deep.  So deep I was afraid I would never be able to climb out.  But I NEVER got to the point that I felt like off'ing myself was the way out of that hole.  I guess I always saw the light up at the top...no matter how dim.  I always knew there was a way out - I may need to be guided, I may need pills to grasp onto - but there was always a way out. 

My life has changed dramatically since then.  I am in such a happier place, I have so much to live for and don't want myself or my family to go anywhere!  The mud on my shoes and under my nails is a sure sign of where I have been...that muddy hole - a constant reminder that things were worse at one time.  And a gauge as to how things are so incredibly great now.  I made it.  I made it out of the hole with only soiled shoes.  I only wish others could have made it out.  If I could have just held my hand down there to help pull them out.  To let them know I understand...that I am here to talk...that I am here.  But I never, ever thought that, the hippy, low-key, down-to-earth, "no drama" scenic genius would need my help...my hand.  Where was I?

Thank you Hayden.  You have made this world an even better place.  I have the most wonderful family, friends, husband, step-daughter, pets and now this incredible little girl.  I have EVERYTHING to live for...and I plan to...for as long as nature will let me.   Granted I will continue to cover my gray hair and use any ointment possible to cover the wrinkles that are creeping across my face.  But I will live life fully...every second of every minute of every hour of every day.  For me, for my family and for Hayden.

You know, it's always something.  Whether it is the theory that bubble baths can give babies urinary tract infections, babies playing in bouncies can cause them to be bowl legged, or that a baby who glances at TV could become autistic.  And then there is the biggy...SIDS.  And, of course the prime suspect of SIDS is a baby laying on their belly to sleep.  Supposedly it could create a pocket where a baby can breathe in too much carbon dioxide and then stop breathing.

But here is something to think about.  Most people my age and even 10 years younger than me (per my husband) slept on their bellies when they were babies.  Now that babies are not recommended to sleep on their bellies, we now must incorporate "tummy time" during the day to help them learn to lift their heads.  So what changed? 

Who knows but that is the way it always is...new up and coming scientists, pediatricians and research lead to new results that make the past look abusive.  How can we ever forgive our parents for laying us on our bellies to sleep - risking our lives in the process?  You know what?  They thought they were doing the right thing - the doctors at that time even confirmed that they were.  If the baby spit up during the night and they were on their backs, they could choke on their spit up and...well....stop breathing.

These days people are so obsessed with SIDS that motion detectors placed under the crib mattress is a huge business.  I admit that we have one and I admit that it does ease my mind.  It detects the slightest motion on the mattress.  You can literally watch the green light flash at each breath H makes.  There is so much controversy over side sleeping, cosleeping, crib bumpers, blankets, stuffed animals, etc.  it is hard to keep up with it all.

I admit that I have been swept up in the SIDS craze.  I am certainly not saying that SIDS is anything to take lightly.  My sister in law and her husband knew someone who's baby died from SIDS at four months.  I honestly cannot imagine losing nugget now or ever.  So I have done everything I can to protect her from the dangers of SIDS.  We keep her room cool, her crib clear of anything other than a fitted sheet, and a motion AND audio monitor on any time she is in her crib.  I am constantly adjusting her swaddle so that it won't go over her face and I am always checking on her breathing - especially during naps.

But here's my admission.  During the day I do allow H to sleep on her stomach for her naps.  Of course I keep a very close eye on her and have all monitors up all the way.  But the fact is, she sleeps hella better on her stomach than she does on her back.  I swear, if I felt more comfortable to let her sleep on her belly at night, I think she would sleep all through the night with no interruption.  But I just can't get past the scare.  I just can't take the chance.

Anyway, just a random train of thought.

On another note...exciting night for T and I...H laughed for the first time!!  And we both saw it at the same time.  She was in her swing and I was "getting" her feet by kissing them when she would swing my way.  She chuckled.  And there was no denying it!!  We both looked at each other and became giddy!!  She actually laughed for the first time.  It was so incredible.  I am on a high.  I just loved every minute of it and I can't wait to hear that beautiful laugh again!!

Isn't it funny how, at different stages in life, we spend our money on certain things?  Like, when I was a teenager, it was music, makeup and teen mags (oh, and a waterbed - my first big purchase with money I earned at a "real" job).  When I was in my early 20's, my money was spent on clothes and going out to nightclubs.  Late 20's, a house.  Early 30's, careerwear, hair, nails, groceries.  And now, here I am with a little Hayden Grace and, what do I spend money on?   Myself?  Hardly!  I walk into Target where I used to purchase more than I needed for me, my house and some miscellaneous, needless stuff for the car or the outside patio.  Now I walk in and head straight to "Hayden's" section to see what is on the racks.  And that is where my life is at right now.

This is even more evident in the most recent purchase I made...today...online.  So, I registered for a baby book but then couldn't stand waiting to look through one so I took it off my registry and just bought one at BRU.  It is cute...kind of blue, green and yellow (keeping with the neutral theme) with little animals and stuff on the front.  The inside is cute as well.  I thought I was in love.

But, it turns out, I loved the book but wasn't "in love" with it.  This is obviously the case since, when I saw this latest baby book, I couldn't walk away from the immediate attraction!!  I was totally in love and knew I had to have it.  There was no turning back.  No denying my feelings.  It was the real thing. 

And, as with any great love story, it comes with a price!  Oh and it was a bit hefty for a baby book.  Especially when you can get them a dime a dozen at any of your local Target, BRU or corner bookstore.  But this is no ordinary book.  It was the real thing.  I love it and couldn't be more comfortable spending the money on something that will be treasured for years to come by me, T, Hayden and Hayden's kids.  I see it as an investment...as with any relationship.

Here it is...
Of course, personalized with her name on the front


Inside pages


Closer look


The 14 month calendar that you can put special milestones and accomplishments on


It has already been mailed and is on the way!  I am really excited!  They had a bunch of other patterns but I was drawn to this one for some reason.  I think it looks classy and cool.  My own strange baby taste, I guess.  I love the ribbon that ties around the button on the front.  And it comes with all of the pages regular baby books have plus additional ones that you can order - I ordered two additional shower pages (since I had a total of three and it comes with one) and the sibling page for Tatum.  Have I mentioned that I am excited?

And, more things to be excited about:

I was awarded a bid to produce a great event in October!  It is an event I did when I was at A6 (jerks!) that I absolutely fell in love with.  The contact, who is also a close friend, invited me to bid on it this year since A6 has blown up into many little, fraudulent pieces (and they really screwed up the event last year).  I didn't think twice about it.  Yes, it certainly is quite a chunk to take on with everything else we have going on right now but I know I can do it and it will make me feel incredible to plan something again (along with my 20 year high school reunion!).  I'm excited to be working, using my brain, having meetings with adults, and contributing to our income!!  Makes me feel like "me" again!

Another exciting element...the nugget is sleeping pretty much through the night.  She still does her usual bedtime routine, getting in her crib by 8.  She sleeps until 2 or 3, wakes up to eat for 30 minutes, and then back asleep until 6 or 7!  This is awesome for a nugget her age.  I am a very proud Momma who is cautiously excited about this new development.  I know things can change as she changes...growth spurts are sure to put an end to our progress.  But, when you have a two month old and you are exhausted and overwhelmed, you take what you can get and celebrate along the way!

I am getting back to the gym and eating right...another exciting piece of the pie!  I am determined to get back into my 8's as soon as possible (realistically, before the reunion!).  Right now I probably wear 10's.  I have been wearing my maternity pants but they are really becoming WAY too big and drive me crazy by constantly heading south when I am walking.  I think I will have to break down and buy a handful of britches in size 10 that will get me through until the gym kicks my butt!  But I am determined and don't feel like it will take me all the way until October - but I am setting my goals low so that I pleasantly surprise myself!!

Along the lines of my body getting back into shape, my long, lost Aunt came knocking last night.  You know who I am talking about!  I haven't seen her in over a year and most women would be overjoyed at not seeing their aunt that long.  But I am glad that she is back.  It makes me feel back to "normal" and now I can jump back onto birth control and live a somewhat "normal" life again.  That probably doesn't make a lot of sense but it does to me.  I just want everything about me and my body to get back to pre-pregnancy state!  I am so glad my girls are - they were tortured long enough with the breastfeeding!

I am excited to be going home soon to Louisville - Easter weekend!  Hayden and my first trip together solo!  Or not solo!  Her first plane ride ever other than in utero!  My nerves are bundled tight about it but I think it will all be ok.  I have a plan and I know what I am going to pack to hopefully make the trip fun and painless for us both.  We will see...

I guess that's it for now.  I leave you with some pics that were on my phone that I finally downloaded to the computer today:

In the hospital


Going home


Other pics

2 month shots

Yesterday Hayden had to have her two month vaccines.  There were a total of four - three in the legs and one oral.  She and I had to go by ourselves since T had a meeting up in Scottsdale.  I was nervous about her shots.  I wasn't sure how I would be able to handle her crying and being hurt.  Not to mention that I hate...despise...needles.  I agree with my Dad.  With all the technology that is out there today, how is there not a way to receive the vaccines we need without being stuck by a needle?  All of you up and coming medical students, work on that, won't ya?  You could be the hero of the 21st century!!

The office was pretty empty, as it usually seems to be.  Probably because it is a big building with many different practices so it spreads everyone out pretty good.  We got called back pretty quick.  The nurse showed us back to room number 4 and had me undress H.  We went to the scale for a weigh in...11 lbs, 3 oz.  We went back to the room and she measured her length...24.50.  And then put a stiff measuring tape around her head like a crown...40".  The nurse checked her stats with the country's norm.  H is in the 50 - 75 percentile in weight, 97 percentile in height and 75 percentile in head circ.  She said that I have a tall and thin girl who has potential of being really smart!  I'd say!!

Then Dr E came in to chat.  She looked at H's eyes and ears, listened to her lungs and checked some other odds and ends.  We talked about H's gas and reflux, what to expect from the shots and her sleep schedule.  Dr E was really impressed that we have such an established sleep routine and that H is in her crib with no issues.  I mentioned how desperately I wanted her to sleep through MY night and she just looked at me and chuckled a bit.  As a Mom and a doctor, she knows that wishes are just that...wishes.  Babies will do what babies do and that's that.  She then played a little with H and got a couple of smiles out of her before she left the room.  I asked who would be giving the shots and she informed me that the nurse would.  Ahh!  Now that's a smart doc!  Get some good smiles out of baby and then have your nurse do the dirty work!  Brilliant!

I was able to put H's shirt back on and just leave her little legs exposed.  I felt so bad about what was to come but tried to hide it by playing with H.  She was so happy and smiley!  That just added to my guilt.  Nurse Needle Nose came in with her fist full of vaccines.  She had me lay H horizontally on the examing table.  I was at her head and Nurse NN was at her feet.  She instantly went to work swabbing H's legs with alcohol before getting started.  She explained to me the order of the vaccines and that she was saving the one with more of a "sting" for last.  Well, great.  Oh, before laying H down, she administered the oral vaccine.  H did great with that one.  Probably due to the fact that she has taken Prevacid and Mylicon now for weeks.  She is used to nasty tasting meds.

Back to it.  Nurse NN prepped the first needle.  I had my face over H's and was looking at her eyes.  She was looking at me with her sweet little expression...until the needle entered.  Her first response was big, scared eyes followed by closed eyes, open mouth, red face and a shreiking scream!  Oh it was horrible and, even though Nurse NN was quick on the draw, it didn't feel quick enough.  I wanted to hold H so bad and make her feel better.

The last vaccine must have been the doozie.  She really wailed on that one but then it was over.  Nurse NN put a band-aid on each injection spot and I swooped her up for comfort (H, not Nurse NN).  I knew H was hungry - she was when we got there - so I prepped her a bottle and fed her immediately.  That definitely helped get her mind off of things for a short time at least.

When we left the office, we met Lauren and L for lunch followed by a trip to Target.  I know it is hard to ever imagine anyone crying in Target - I mean, why would you cry in heaven?  But H had different thoughts about it.  The effects of the shots, along with hunger, had her screaming and crying.  I remember back when I would visit Target as a non-mom.  Those kind of babies would just pierce my ear drums and I never knew why ANYONE would ever want to deal with that in their life.  And then I had H.  All of a sudden, she and I are the only ones in the store.  I could care less what others think.  I was all about consoling my baby who was just treated as a pin cushion! 

H fell asleep in my arms around 7:30 last night.  I was having a pretty hard night that involved a large amount of crying on my part - I'd rather not get into why.  But it was difficult to manage my feelings and get them in check in order to take care of my girl.  When T got home, we took our nugget straight upstairs sans bath, swaddled her and put her to bed.  She slept without a peep until 5:15 AM!  I,then, fed her and put her back in her crib and she slept until 8.  No, I won't get used to it.  I know it was all due to the shots, a long day and a shot of Tylenol.  But, after the emotional breakdown I had last night, it was a good sleep.

Today she has been a bit fussy but still does her best to smile when we are talking to her.  She has been napping a lot and eating less.  All very typical post-shot characteristics.  I am about to leave her in T's capable hands so that I can go to the gym real quick!  My first time since...I don't even know!!  Hopefully she will sleep for him while I'm gone.  She is very clingy today.  She is actually in my arms dozing off now!  Yep, I am typing with one hand.